I’ve talked many times about the importance of feeling that you already have the things you want to attract; but I think it’s time for a refresher. You want to not only think about your goals, but also get into a positive emotional state about them. Feel that you already have them; or at least, that they are inevitable for you.

This is an often misunderstood aspect of attraction, so I think it’s worth repeating: we don’t attract what we “want” in life, we attract more of what we already HAVE. That’s why it’s so important that you feel like you already have the things you desire–-that you get into a positive emotional state about them; a state that is confident and relaxed.

This is the opposite of how some people go about trying to achieve things. They focus on their desires with an intense feeling of wanting and lacking them. They are VERY aware that they don’t have them, and they feel that they are missing in their lives.

It is practically impossible to attract something into your life this way. If you feel that something is missing, you will resonate that energy of missing it, of not having it. That energy only attracts more missing it, and more not having it.

You have to resonate an energy of having in order to get things. One obvious example is a job interview. Candidates who seem desperate and fearful are always less attractive to employers then candidates who seem like they have it all together–-those who aren’t radiating lack and limitation.

It is the same with relationships, business ventures, negotiations, you name it. That’s why it’s helpful to get into a feeling state of already having the things you want–-to psych yourself into “seeing” them as already being a part of your life. This type of confident, relaxed mindset is extremely attractive.

The tricky part for some people is cultivating this laid-back “having” mindset; but you can certainly do it. Through daily visualization and exercising your imagination in a practical way (what I call “applied imagination”), you can begin radiating abundance rather than lack, and self-confidence rather than doubt and insecurity.

The key is to use your imagination to help you achieve your goals, and use it in a disciplined way–-every day. Just as with any other pursuit, consistency is important. If you’re trying to get into good shape, you won’t get great results unless you work out and eat right consistently. It’s the same with developing the abundance mindset. Working on it daily is the key.

So don’t let a single day go by without taking time to work on your inner vision and applying your imagination to your goals. Even if just for a few minutes. And remember, when you visualize the things you want and the life you want, always do it from the end result perspective. See yourself already having the things you want. Focus on them in a positive way that feels like they are already yours. Make it as fun as possible–-if you stress about it or “bear down too hard” you’ll just wind up radiating fear or frustration, emotions which will push your desires away from you.

It takes time and a little bit of effort to discipline your mind, but the results are worth it. Make it a priority to work on your state of mind daily; exercise your imagination and apply your creativity to your goals and dreams. You will see results!

Dating and relationships are important (and potentially tricky) areas of life.  Who we spend our days and months and years with is obviously a REALLY big deal.  So it makes sense that we would try to attract the best possible partner.

The right person can fill your life with joy and love, and inspire you to do more and be more. Research demonstrates that happy couples are even healthier and live longer on average than others.  However, choosing the wrong partner can be disastrous for your state of mind, your health, and even your finances!

So what does the law of attraction say about dating and attracting a perfect relationship? Let’s take a look.

Knowing What You Want

In order to attract what you want, in any area of life, the starting point is to know what you want.  This sounds pretty basic, but it’s amazing how many people cannot define exactly what they want (and yet they somehow expect to get it???). This is especially true in dating, as many people believe things will just work out naturally, so they don’t need to think about it too much. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case…

One problem with not clearly defining what you want in a relationship is that you’ll more than likely end up “settling” for someone who does not have characteristics that “fit” with yours.  It is important that partners have things in common; but in my experience it is equally important that they don’t have too much in common! A good relationship has balance.

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A good example is when one partner’s energetic type A personality is balanced out by the other partners laid-back type B Personality. The end result is that one partner calms down a little, while the other gets a little energy boost. There is balance and harmony.

So step one is to get very clear about the kind of partner you’re looking for, what their values are, and what kind of personality will work well with yours.  This doesn’t mean that you go “shopping” for a date with a whole grocery list of characteristics that MUST be fulfilled.  Relationships are give-and-take.  But it does mean you have to have a clear starting point, an understanding of what kind of partner you’re trying to attract.

Cause and Effect

The second step in attracting the right partner is to understand this hard truth: if you ‘re not already dating the kind of partner you want, it’s not because of fate or bad luck, it’s because you are not doing the right things to attract that person (at least not yet .  This is cause and effect. In order to get a different result (the effect) you going to have to change what you’re doing (the cause).

And I don’t just mean you’re going to have to change your way of thinking — although that is an excellent starting point.  You may also have to change your day-to-day habits: where you go, what you do, and who you associate with.  One thing is clear though: you can not continue doing and thinking the same things and expect to get a different result.  To attract a better partner, you have to become the kind of person who attracts a better partner. Embracing change is helpful.

It’s Nothing Personal

Obviously, to attract someone new into your life you’ve got to put yourself “out there.”  This means you’re going to have to risk rejection.  The more comfortable you are with rejection, the easier dating is; and the more you can put yourself in position to meet the right person.

While no one likes to be rejected, it’s much easier to deal with if you don’t take it personally.  For that reason, I advise my clients who are actively searching for new relationship to expect that will be some rejection on their quest to attract a new mate.  It’s an unavoidable part of dating new people — things just don’t always work out. Further, I instruct them that they are to consider any rejection a necessary rite of passage, something EVERYONE goes through, and never take it personally in any way.

Another thing that helps deal with potential rejection is to make sure you don’t look at dating as a competitive transaction.  If you focus on what you can give to others, it’s a lot easier to actually get what you want.  On the other hand, if you focus excessively on getting, you’re going to have a tough time attracting and dating the right person.

Remember, life gives to the givers and takes from the takers. If you approach dating and relationships with this state of mind, things will go MUCH smoother.

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Jon Mercer, MA
Managing Director, Youniverse LLC

Lately, not a week goes by that someone doesn’t ask me about relationships and attracting love. What gives people?! Is it because it’s spring and love is in the air? Hmmm…Anyway, the subject has come up a lot lately so I decided to make my previous blog post on the subject a two-parter.

It all started with a really tough question about attraction I received last weekend:

“OK mr smarty pants” (she actually said this! LOL), “if you know so much about ‘attraction,’ then tell me why I can’t seem to attract a man with the qualities I want?”

Ouch! That’s tough to answer, of course. There could be a zillion variables; and besides, the mysteries of the human heart have confounded much wiser men than I. But, what the hell — let’s give it a shot! ,-) I’ll touch on a few concepts that I think are often overlooked.

The starting point when trying to attract someone to love should be to look at what qualities YOU are putting out into the world. It’s going to be hard to attract someone with an energetic, fun-loving personality, for example, unless you also have these characteristics, or (and this is important) you have characteristics that are compatible with theirs.

For example, maybe you’re not exactly the fun-loving, outgoing type, but you might still have a lot of passion and interest in other areas, like intellectual pursuits or reading. In this case you may still have a very positive, passionate energy, and this can attract someone with a different positive, passionate energy. Cool how that works, eh?

As much as I believe that “birds of a feather flock together,” relationships are more often about partners having complimentary qualities, not the same.

This next point is one I seem to make constantly, but I think it’s worth repeating: to attract a new relationship, try to focus on “giving” more than “wanting.” “Wanting” is like poison when it comes to attracting good things into your life. It tends to attract even more wanting, not having. So whenever possible, conduct yourself “as if” you already have the love, appreciation and even romance that you desire.

The idea is to focus on giving, not wanting, and develop your personality so that you have even more to give to a potential partner. That’s probably the best commonsense advice for attracting love.

And one final thought: make sure you are putting yourself “out there.” Otherwise you perfect partner might not even be aware that you exist!

Go where you might reasonably expect to meet that guy/gal with the qualities you desire (he/she is probably not going to just show up on the end of your couch while you’re watching Chelsea Handler, eating Ben and Jerry’s . This usually means going out more and trying some new things. Go, do, learn, explore. Get out there in the flow of life and it’s more likely you’ll find that special someone you been looking for — or they will find you.
~Jon
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I’ve had many jobs and done a lot of things over the years, but I’ve never been more productive than when I’m truly enjoying what I’m doing. I’ve heard some law of attraction “gurus” say “if it ain’t fun, don’t do it,” and when you really think about it, it’s pretty hard to argue with this advice. Here’s why:

Fun Matters

When you’re having fun you’re in the zone, and you’re usually performing at your peak — the height of your creativity and intuition. I’ve never met a person who loved their job who wasn’t good at it, or at least got very good at it over time. But on the other hand, I’ve encountered many people who obviously despised what they do, and most were pretty lousy at it, especially those who worked in customer service or some type of sales position.

But you know, there’s another reason why fun matters so much: it’s what life is all about.

Everything of value that we do has the intention of increasing either our enjoyment of life, or other people’s enjoyment of life (or both). And this isn’t a law of attraction idea, just a commonsense observation. Take a moment and try to think of one thing of value that doesn’t fit into this category…

Education? It’s only useful if it increases your happiness or someone else’s. Business? Ditto. Charity work? It’s all about reducing suffering, which of course increases enjoyment or “fun.” OK, what about housework? Surely that can’t be fun, too? Yep. The point of it is to create a clean and healthy space in which to enjoy our lives, or more simply put, have fun.

The more I really think about it, the more it seems that fun is the whole reason we’re here. The pursuit of happiness, enjoyment, and plain old “fun” is what life is all about. Isn’t it strange to that we don’t usually look at it that way, when it’s so blindingly obvious. Whether you’re selling cars, performing heart transplant surgery or working in a dentist’s office, the whole point of what you’re doing is to help people have more fun — and that includes you too.

I know, I know, there are people who will tell you “life isn’t all about fun — it’s serious business!” But is it really? What is the underlying point of all this “serious business?” Providing people with greater security? Guess what — that enables you to have more fun. Everything worthwhile does.

So I think it’s time we all come out and admit it — the purpose of this life is fun — to have as much of it as we can, and help others have as much as they can. At the end of the day, what else is there? ~Jon

Call it karma, attraction or whatever you like, but common sense tells us that what we put out into the world definitely affects what we get back. The law of attraction says we “attract” people, circumstances and things according to our “vibration.” When we are buzzing with positive energy, optimism and verve, we are in a higher vibration. When we feel angry, victimized or ungrateful, we are in a lower vibration.

The point of all this is simple: you always attract according to your own vibration. This means that your emotional state determines the results you get. If your dominant emotional state is love, appreciation and enthusiasm, you can ONLY attract people, things and circumstances that match that vibration.

That’s why it is important to become skilled at manipulating your own emotional state. You don’t want to just react to outside circumstances, but instead, pro-actively create the emotional state you want within yourself — REGARDLESS of what is going on around you. It requires practice, but the more you work at raising your emotional state, the better you will get. And the better you get, the easier it becomes to stay in that high vibration, and consistently attract things that match your positive energy — things like abundance, wealth, love, friendship and success.

The ability to manipulate your emotional state (and thus, raise your vibration) depends a lot on habits. The most important of these habits is focusing on things that make you feel positive, grateful, inspired, abundant, optimistic and loving. We have the ability to focus our attention anywhere we want, and this is where the process of attraction begins. But this is also where it becomes difficult for some people, because they have old habits of focusing on things they don’t want.

For example, some people love horror movies, and they feel excitement (in the guise of fear) when they watch them. But while they may ENJOY watching these movies, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are good for them. After all, many people enjoy eating chocolate sundaes (like me!), but that does NOT mean they are good for them, or that they’ll will produce good results in the long run.

So you have to take care what you allow “on your radar.” Personally, there are television shows and movies I would really like to watch — but I don’t. I’m a fan of British actor Hugh Laurie who plays House MD. I have loved everything I’ve ever seen Laurie in, and I’m sure he is fantastic as the eccentric, curmudgeonly Dr House. But even though I’m sure it’s great, I have never watched that show — and I never will.

Why? Because House MD is all about disease, ill health, emotional problems, drama and strained relationships. I don’t want any of those things in my life; therefore, I don’t want them “on my radar.” So I don’t watch the show. Simple, right?

Practicing the law of attraction means developing mental discipline. Like me, you may need to occasionally remind yourself that “what you study is what you get,” and deny yourself certain short-term pleasures (like watching House MD or eating chocolate sundae’s for breakfast in order to produce better results in the long-term. But it’s a small price to pay to attract a better life. Plus, you’ll be taking responsibility for your own emotional state–instead of leaving it up to circumstances, chance or the whims of others. Now how’s THAT for real empowerment? =)

A friend of mine watched the movie “The Secret” and was not very impressed. In fact, she told me she thought the law of attraction was a scam, and not a useful philosophy by which to live one’s life. One of her chief criticisms was an often repeated fallacy about the law of attraction which goes something like this: “you can attract anything you want into your life .”

So she asked me point-blank, “this sounds like a scam to me — do you believe that is true?” My answer seemed to surprise her somewhat. I said, “No I don’t, and I’ve been saying so for many years.”

Let me explain. I have been writing, pod casting, speaking and creating videos on the subject of the law of attraction for quite a few years now, and I have always made it a point to discredit the notion that you can attract things you “want” using the law of attraction. I’ve even been critical of web sites, programs, and some so-called “gurus” who espouse this idea. And here’s why:

We do not attract things we “want” into our lives — we attract more of what we already “have.”

The idea that you can attract whatever you “want” represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the concept of attraction. You see, one of the simplest ideas of the law of attraction is that “like attracts like.” We can see this in nature, we can see it in human society, and we can see it in our own lives. Birds of a feather flock together, right?

But because like attracts like, whenever you are “wanting” something, you are simply attracting more “wanting.” And the more desperately you want something, the more you are attracting desperation and want. Now here’s the tricky part…

In order to actually attract things into your life, you MUST get in to an emotional state that feels like you ALREADY have those things.

This is the most common misunderstanding about the law of attraction, and it (understandably) confuses many people. After all, how do you convince yourself you already have something that you don’t physically see in your life (yet)? This is a subject I talk about extensively in the AttractAnything video series, because it requires a fundamental change in the way you look at the world in order to really develop this skill.

And you’ll notice I said that convincing yourself you already have things is a skill. It is. Just like any other skill it requires practice and discipline to master. Now, I’m not about to tell you that I have mastered this skill (yet), but I have certainly come a long way over the years, and I have my moments when I truly feel like a “Jedi Master.” haha =)

To keep it real though, I also have my moments when I’m less effective at this skill, but that’s just called being human. Overall, the more I practice this discipline, the more powerful my ability to create my life becomes, so that even on a bad day, I’m still much more adept at “pulling the universe in my direction” than I used to be, if you see what I mean.

It’s a bit too deep a subject to get into in a simple blog post, but I can give you a brief overview of the process of creating the emotional state of already having something you would like in your life. Your three most important tools are imagination, repetition and passion. Taken together, this is a process I call “applied imagination.”

1. Imagination is what starts the ball rolling. In order to obtain anything in life you need to get a clear picture in your head of exactly what it is you’re aiming for. It doesn’t matter if it’s wealth, physical fitness, love, friendship, or more specific things like a new car, a home, or a dream vacation. The first step is to clearly define what it is you desire.

2. Repetition is the agent of change that brings the creations you have imagined to life. Repetition requires discipline, but it doesn’t have to be a hassle. In fact, it is critically important that you enjoy repeating your visualizations and other methods of bringing your creations to life. If you simply go through the motions, feeling bored or uninspired, your power to attract will be drastically reduced. And that’s where passion comes in…

3. Passion is feeling emotional excitement about your life. In fact, I would say that passion is the fuel of attraction, and perhaps even life itself. Without it, we lack motivation and willpower. It is SO important when you visualize or meditate on the things you wish to see in your life, that you see them from the perspective of already having them, and that you feel strong positive emotions about having them — that you are excited and passionate about them. And passion and excitement are contagious (that is to say they attract more passion and excitement into your life).

There are many, many techniques to help make this whole process easier — the AttractAnything series contains lots of them, for example. It’s also good to remember that some people invent their own ways to “trick” the mind into believing they already have something they desire. Whatever works for you — works for you.

But when in doubt, concentrate or meditate on the concept of gratitude and all the things you have that you are grateful for. When you feel truly grateful for the abundance already in your life, you are on a clear path to attract more of it.

The law of attraction is not a scam, and it does not imply you can attract things you “want.” Some movies, books or programs may imply that, and I’m not saying they are scammers, but I am saying they are wrong. The law of attraction implies that you will always attract more of what you already have. Whether you “have” these things physically, or just in your mind, makes no difference whatsoever. According to your “belief” it is done unto you.

I was never a big Star Wars fan, but I always appreciated the idea of “using the force.”

Actually, I tend to call it “working with the energy,” but it’s the same concept. In fact, it’s practically identical to the Law of Attraction idea that our thoughts and beliefs shape our lives, and if you get good at working with the energy you can create your life any way you want it.

You are the sculptor, the artist, the architect, the engineer of your existence. And when you really get the hang of creating your own reality you become something akin to a “Jedi Master,” a powerful creator who can twist, pull and shape the world around you to your liking.

But you know, many people will read these words and sense on a deep level that they’re true, but then they’ll think, “I guess some people can do that — but not me.” It’s a toxic state of mind I call, “not feeling your own power.”

And it’s a real shame, because EVERYONE has the same creative ability to design their life and their experience of reality. And even when we bump up against people, situations or circumstances that we cannot directly control or change, we always have the creative ability to “see” the situation any way we choose.

For example, maybe you can’t directly change the fact that a few irresponsible people managed to plunge the US economy into a recession. But you CAN change how you see this event — and you can change what it means to you. You can choose to see it as an opportunity, and you can look for the possibilities (economic and otherwise) that it presents.

And if you’re thinking, “what possible economic possibilities could there be in a time of recession?” You need only check the headlines of the Wall Street Journal last week which revealed that more millionaires were made in 2009 (right smack in the middle of a recession) than in the five previous years when the economy was booming.

The lesson is clear: there are ALWAYS possibilities and opportunities (all is abundance), but you can overlook them if you’re not focused on abundance, and that’s why lack based thinking is so harmful. What you focus on is always your decision — you are in charge of your thoughts, no one else. If you focus upon lack, I guarantee you will find lack. And if you focus upon abundance, likewise, I guarantee you will find abundance. You’re not a victim of circumstances, economic, or any other. You are in control.

Now, the question I’m asked a lot: “how do I get good at focusing my thoughts and beliefs — how do I become a “Jedi Master?”

The answer is just practice. Like any other skill, learning to discipline your mind to focus on abundance takes practice. The more you do it, the better you get at it, until one day you wake up and the concept just comes to you naturally. And the good news is, even if you aren’t a “Jedi Master” right now, you can still change your life tremendously for the better by simply making an effort.

If you can discipline your thoughts to focus on abundance just 10% more than you’re doing right now, you WILL see this reflected in your circumstances. Even a simple 10% change will make your life at least 10% better, and it can easily snowball from there. And once you get pretty good at making these small changes and attracting better things, you can take it to the next level and focus on abundance 20% more than you currently do, or 30%, or 50%, etc.

In the Star Wars movies, the Jedi Masters continued to study and train for a lifetime. People who work with the law of attraction must follow a similar path. It is a lifelong philosophy, and you never stop learning and getting better at it.

As for me, I’ve been doing this over 10 years now, and even though I don’t always feel like a Jedi Master (especially first thing in the morning-haha), some days I absolutely do! And if I compare my life now to the life I had 10 years ago, it is obvious how much better things are for me, and how much better I’ve gotten at using “the force.”

10 years ago I was attracting things into my reality “by default.” Some things were pretty good, but many other things were pretty awful. That’s really all you can expect when you’re not actively working with the Law of Attraction — it’s hit and miss. Now I won’t tell you that I haven’t had any difficulties in the last 10 years, and that things have gone perfectly for me. I’m as human as anyone else. But I will tell you that my life is about a thousand times better that it was, and I am surrounded by abundance in every area of my life.

From the scores of wonderful people I’ve attracted into my life, to a much better relationship with my family, to developing a successful and prosperous business, to experiencing greater confidence and self-esteem — I’m not exaggerating when I say that EVERYTHING in my life is better because I began working with the law of attraction. And the more I have used it, the better I have become at “working with the energy.” Things that used to seem difficult for me or scary, like putting together a new business partnership, or traveling around the world on my own (like I did last summer for three months throughout Asia). These things are a piece of cake today — when even five years ago they would have seemed overwhelming.

The moral of the story: keep the faith and keep working with the energy. Using the Law of Attraction gets easier with practice. You get better and better at it, just like any other skill, until you wake one day to find that “the force” is strong with you!
~Jon

Everyone who works with the law of attraction realizes that it’s important to stay focused on what you want and not waste your energy on things you don’t want. Of course, this isn’t just a law of attraction idea; it’s common sense.  After all, why would you give your energy and attention to things you don’t want? It’s like eating at a restaurant every day where you hate the food. You keep going back for more and giving them your energy (time, money), but you get nothing enjoyable out of it.

I’m certainly not the first law of attraction coach to observe that people LOVE to focus on things they don’t want sometimes. And I’m not immune to it either. I sometimes struggle to turn off television shows or films about subjects I definitely do not want in my experience. There seems to be a part of me (maybe a part of everyone?) that craves having a little bit of drama and conflict. The real question is, is this drama addiction human nature, or just a bad habit?

I don’t have a definitive answer to that question; but I do know one thing: there is enough drama and conflict in life already, without us creating more by focusing on “artificial drama” (television, etc.).

Conflict, drama, confusion and heartbreak are all part of the human experience. I truly doubt anyone could live a life completely free of these things (or should). But that DOES NOT mean we should go around looking for them! This is how I interpret the law of attraction concept of not focusing on things you don’t want. It’s basically saying, don’t go looking for trouble. haha

Now Here’s Where It Gets Tricky…

The main concept of the law of attraction seems so simple a child could understand it: focus on positive things you WANT, and don’t give attention or energy to negative things you DON’T want. But in order to focus on things that are positive, you have to first figure out what is positive TO YOU. A very positive and happy experience for one person can be an absolute nightmare for another. Here’s an example:

I have a close friend who always e-mails or texts calling me s**thead, d-bag, or worse. Of course, I do the same thing back to him, and we’ve had this playful exchange of obscenities going on for more than 10 years now. Is it juvenile and silly? Of course! But it’s our male bonding ritual, our way of staying connected with each other. Being typical males, neither of us is entirely comfortable showing affection for the other, so the obscenities have become a kind of code for expressing these positive feelings.

The point is, some people would find these comments offensive and negative, but for me it’s always a very positive experience because of WHAT IT MEANS TO ME.

Likewise, what feels positive and uplifting to you might feel negative and depressing to me. So there is no universal standard for “positivity.” Even emotions like gratitude that feel very positive to most people can feel negative to some. One person e-mailed me recently and said making gratitude lists and thinking about gratitude made her feel fearful and depressed. My response was basically, “then don’t do them.”

If it Doesn’t Feel Good to You, Its Not Good for You…

Anything that makes you feel fearful or negative is simply not working for you. When you encounter experiences, people and things that bring on these emotions, you really only have two choices: continue to allow them to make you feel fearful and negative, or do a 180 and walk in the other direction. Even if it’s a person place or thing that everybody else loves. Your job is simply to focus on what feels good to YOU. Do that, and everything else will take care of itself.